The Mexicans created a strong and cultural group of people. They carried on their traditions and their strong sense of pride. They came from a hard life over the border and created a life the way they lived in Mexico's villages in rural Pennsylvania. They had the basics of life, all they needed and they didn't need help. They didn't need rescuing. In the months following the deaths that Julia and Jay carried out, they continued to plan and build and reinforce and grow as a group, a community within the confines of the school. Abuelo did offer help if they needed, harvesting their fields and they'd work for a cut of the harvest. He and Paul were to come back at the time of harvest and then they'd work something out. They didn't wish to join their community, but they did wish to be neighbors in the strange new world.
He had bid Tavin farewell with a few words, "Live a simple life."
Julia had at least given it a shot. And they had help if and when they needed it, whether it was to build or harvest, they had assistance for a price. She didn't gain all she wanted, but she did gain. Something was better than nothing.
Tavin joined them for the first time at the fire outside after dinner. They sat drinking some of Chess's hooch and when Chess sparked up a joint, Tavin felt comfortable taking a hit or two. He had to form his simple life. There was no control, he'd learned. He'd formed an alliance and that was what had mattered to him.
"Why did I have to stay outside?" Julia asked, feeling sullen about the way the day trip had turned out. She sat near the fire but not too close because her skin was already warm. Jess sat with her, carefully rubbing aloe over her arms and back where she'd sun burned. "Fucking hate summer." She cursed.
"You're a girl. That culture is led by men. Probably why you pissed that guy off at the school to begin with."
"Oh, I see. So their women-"
"Do what women are supposed to do." Tavin finished her sentence for her. "It's a male dominated culture. Protective and possessive. They don't treat them bad or like slaves, but it's-they just know their place is all. Just different. That's their way."
"It's not ours. Thank God."
Jay sat pensive, looking at the flames kick up as Chess added another small piece of wood. "I get what you mean about Karen." He said suddenly to Tavin. "But it's different for me. My questions aren't all answered yet, but I understand where you're coming from."
"I think it's the same for you, brother. If she didn't gift us the life she did... This is what it was all about, Jayson. Every minute that passed and every awful lesson we learned brought us to this. It made us strong. We're all intertwined, all our lives, how we all move together and work together, this is our destiny. No matter how fucked up it is, the life we were given prepared us for this, to weather this. I'm grateful for it. After every year I spent living in the real world and this new one, I can finally say I'm grateful for it."
The group stared at Tavin with surprise. All of a sudden his entire mood had changed. One meeting with a Mexican grandpa turned that new leaf.
"So what do we tell the Strands?"
"They have help when they need it, but it ain't for free. There's still nothing in this world that's free. Everything and every person comes with a price tag. We met some good ones so far, which makes me wonder when the bad ones will arrive."
"The bad ones are at the fence." Chess said.
"There were always bad people at our fence before. The fence was our personal space and we decided who we let in and who we didn't. This world is no different from our last. It's always been dangerous. It's always been a gamble with the people in the world. Now it's more cut and dry. We take people at face value. There's no more fake and there's no more bull shit. This world is better than that shitty place we came from. Here, we realize what matters most. It's shoved in our faces, there's no hiding it."
"It's like prison." Kevin announced. "We're on different cell blocks with our own people. When we leave this cell, we go out there into the yard, we're taking a risk just getting where we wanna go."
"I didn't have a hard life, Tavin." Julia confessed.
"Neither did I." Jess added. "So what about us?"
"Julia, you're mental." Jay pointed out. "Whether you believe it or not. You're crazy and psychotic sometimes. That's your life."
"I haven't always been mental. And I don't feel psychotic or crazy, Jayson Keller."
"But you are, Julia. That's why I love you." Chess said.
"You've done some insane shit. But here we are. That mental space is what keeps you going."
"And me?" Jess asked, dabbing some more aloe on Julia's back.
"What's the worst thing you went through before all this?" Jay asked.
Jess didn't answer, but she was thinking about whatever it was. That nugget of time that changed her on the inside forever, that time and space she'd carry in memory even though it wasn't tangible anymore.
Julia took the Aloe leaf and tossed it into the fire. She knew the answer, Chess knew her answer. "So that's what contributes to your strength now." Julia told her softly, placing an arm around her shoulder. Jess nodded.
"What was it?" Jay asked.
"Let's not go digging around in any closets." Tavin suggested to his brother. Whatever Jess had divulged to Julia and Chess was personal. The group didn't need to know every thing about every one. "But that's the point. What we have in our closets, the places we keep under lock and key in our heads. That's it. That's what keeps us alive."
"It's that simple?" Jess asked.
"It's our pain, our struggle, our choices that mold us into the people we are. Once we figure it all out, the choice is where do we go from there?"
"Just keep living."
"Accept it and move on?"
"Admit it first, though? Admit, accept, move on. Realize it wasn't your fault." Jess suggested.
"Admitting you have a problem is the first step." Tavin mumbled.
"Life wasn't hard for me. Far from it." Hayley said. She leaned back against Kevin's chest. "I got what I wanted when I wanted it. All I had to do was ask. There was no such thing as hard or needy or anything like that."
"Till you all killed that guy." Tavin pointed out.
"Don't go there please." Hayley said rolling her eyes. "We're so far beyond that now."
"It's insignificant then, Hayley?" Julia asked.
"All I mean is that we're so past that aren't we? We've done some wicked shit since then that goes so far past that one man in that room."
"Y'all killed a guy? Before all this went down?" Kevin asked surprised.
"We agreed we don't talk about the past, Kev. Remember?" Hayley asked.
"Who? What happened?" Kevin asked curious.
"Me, Jay, Chess and Julia. It's a long story, but he's dead." Hayley answered.
"Let's leave him that way." Jay mumbled.
"If you want to talk about this with Kevin, do so. But not here. I'm with Jay. Leave him dead."
"I told you what that did for me. I meant it. If it hadn't been for us doing that, I wouldn't have lived through my own rape."
"Somebody raped you?" Kevin asked Julia.
Julia chose not to respond. Hayley had plenty of time to inform him of their past. Nothing to hide, but not wishing to drudge up the memory. "On a brighter note, Chess. Pass that hooch." Julia ordered. Chess leaned and handed over his bottle. "Just as good as vodka. Excellent work you did with this alcohol."
"Thank you, thank you. A success it is." Chess smiled. "Anybody got an idea what to do with the tobacco?"
"I'll read up and get back to you."
Long after the fire went out, the embers still glowed red. Tavin, Julia and Jess sat alone waited for the last perimeter check to be over and done for the night. He watched Julia and Jess cuddle up as the night closed around them.
"Thanks for hanging with us tonight." Julia said to Tavin, bringing him out of his thoughts. He'd been concentrating on something in his head while he watched them and the fire.
"No problem. I felt like it tonight." He answered. "I think we need to go rustle up some animals for this farm, Julia. We'll take a ride tomorrow after breakfast and see what's out there. If we ride long enough we'll find something. Don't you think?"
"Sounds like a plan, Tav." She answered, pulling the blanket over her and Jess's shoulders. "I was really stupid for thinking that they'd need more from us, anything from us. What a fail that was. You all told me how wrong I was and I refused to listen."
"Julia, you tried, which is more than anyone else wanted to do. And not every thing you have in mind will work. Don't be so hard on yourself."
"I was so far from right, though."
"But you weren't all wrong either. You got the help, but they choose to be on their own. Maybe we waited too long? Either way it worked out alright. I had an ice cold coke."
"All I got was sun burn."
"That's how it goes." He said.
"I think that Tavin's right, Julia. Don't beat yourself up over it."
"I think for right now we have everything we need." Julia stated. "We have other plans that need to be carried out by fall. I'll get in my books and line up our projects."
"What's bothering you that is so bad?"
"I didn't want neighbors, I wanted a community. I wanted to help the people I wronged, but-"
"Julia, you can't help people that don't need help. We offered, Abuelo declined our offer. It's ok."
"I just feel stupid is all. Not stupid, let down. I let myself down. I let Paul and Claire and those girls down. I was so sure of it Tavin, you don't understand how sure I was." She said quietly. "But we have babies to get prepared for, right? And winterizing this place. Fortifying our stock for the long winter. It'll keep my crazy brain busy."
Jess pulled out from beneath the blanket and head back toward the outhouse. When they were definitely alone, Julia spoke up. "I am bothered by the fact that these girls are pregnant. I failed at that too. I know it's not my fault. I know I'm jealous, but I still feel left out."
"If you didn't have that miscarriage we would have been in a very different situation. You know that. It's one of those things like I was talking about...it made you stronger."
"I know. I get it. And I know my Jayla's ok and all. It's a hormonal thing maybe and it's-just-it's-"
"It's just what? You have Tatia. And Alex."
"I realize that. And I am so grateful for them. I am." Julia said sadly. "Is there anything in your books about how to get this thing out of me?"
"Get what out of you?"
"The IUD, Tavin. How do I get it out? It prevents me from getting pregnant."
"You want me to remove it?"
"If we can. And not now. In the future though. I need to find out how it's removed and then go from there. It's done in an office for crying out loud, so it can't be that complicated."
"We can find out. Maybe if we go to a GYN office?"
"I'd like another chance one day. Not tomorrow. Not even a year from now, but I still want the option. It's important to me. I look at those two and I think, why did I do this to myself? Y'know? I don't expect you to completely understand the need."
"We can do that. Sure." He agreed. "Can we wait to knock you up till after I get the delivery part down? Cause that makes me nervous."
"What do we do if we need a surgery? What about complications?"
"Oh, well, we can't have any. I just expect to catch the kid, y'know. I don't know the rest. I've been looking at the pictures and reading about it, but I really don't know what to do if something goes wrong. There's nothing I really can do, Julia. It's not best of conditions for any major surgery. But childbirth goes back to the very first baby born, whoever he or she was, and it wasn't done in a hospital. The Mexicans had babies. All ages running all over the place. Infants on up to Adulthood."
"If those Mexicans can do it, we sure can."
"I can't have you pregnant right now, though, Red. I need you too much. This is all so new. You have a choice to make when the time comes. It's a gun or a kid. No more out running around, risking your life."
"I can't do both."
"I can make that choice for you right now. Today, I would go with gun. Six months, a year from now, I might choose different. You need this too much to be bringing babies into the world. Jay isn't ready for that either."
"You are, Tavin?"
"No. I'm not. But there wasn't much choice I had. It's just our time. You're lucky to have that thing inside you. The other girls don't have that option."
"What if they could, Tavin? If we went to an office and found a dozen or so of them, then you could just insert them in every female that walks by." Julia joked.
Tavin didn't find it very amusing. In fact, he thought that she had a point. "That would be a great skill to learn. Julia, you're a fucking genius. We need to find an office like you said."
Tavin locked up for the night and woke Kelly from the couch where she'd fallen asleep. He helped his girl up and followed her to their room. She lay in their bed, cuddling up beneath the light sheet and he lay listening to her breathe, lay with his hand over her belly and enjoyed each little movement he felt.
"Kell, if you had a choice a few months ago when we started fucking, would you have wanted to use birth control?"
"Yes." She answered, placing her hand over his.
"Even though you're laying here feeling the same thing I'm feeling?"
"Yes. I didn't know what this felt like a few months ago."
"Are you mad about having the baby?"
"No, I'm not. I'm fine with it. Are you regretting-"
"No. No, I'm not." He reassured her. "But if you had the option back then-"
"I would have taken the option. I'm not stupid or crazy. I would have taken a condom too, Tavin. I didn't see you boys out scavenging for them."
"We did have them." He told her. "But they used them all."
"Once they're gone, they're gone." She shrugged. "I had a choice and you had a choice and we chose to sleep together. We knew this could happen. It didn't stop us. Why are you asking me about this? It's too late to prevent pregnancy now."
"If we could prevent the next one, would you be cool with going on birth control if we had it available?"
"Yes. I don't want a litter of pups trailing around after me. No matter how cute they are. If you can put an end to it, yes."
The next morning he pulled Cass aside and asked the same question of her. "What the fuck business is it of yours, Tavin?" She yelled at him.
"I'm asking because I'd like to know."
"Do you think I'd make a good mother?" She yelled. "Do I look like I want to get all fat and crazy like those two? No."
"But you are at risk, right?"
"No, asshole, I'm not, but thanks for asking."
"How are you not?"
"Cause he had a vasectomy. If you read your own medical records, you'd know that. Why do you think I chose him?" She asked. "I could have had any one of you, but I chose him cause of that. Fuck off, Tavin."
Jess was nicer to him. "Please and thanks before I am next. I'll go first."
"Well thanks, Jess."
"I'd really prefer the pill first. But whatever, right? I mean I don't wanna have a baby. So let's get to work on that."
"I didn't want to be pregnant in the first place. Do you know how long it's gonna take to get this weight off me?" Hayley asked. She started crying. "I was fat when I was fucking with Jay. He was so sweet about my gigantic ass and he loved looking at my gigantic ass, but I don't want a gigantic ass." She continued to cry. "I don't want to be a mom. What a nightmare in this society! What if I lose it? What if it wanders off like that Holly kid did that day and it turns into a monster? Could you kill my baby? Could you?"
"Hayley, it's a yes or no answer."
"Yes."
He approached Luz because she still was young enough to have a period. Of all the women in the house, this was the motherly figure that he viewed as asexual. If she was a sexual woman, he didn't want to know details.
Luz mouth gaped open at the sudden question, and she appeared quite taken aback at the whole conversation.
"Are you offering to take me to bed, Tavin Keller?" She laughed.
He stared at her, hoping she was kidding. She was like their mother. That thought had not ever crossed his mind. If he had to, he'd manage. "No, ma'am. I'd like to know if you needed some."
"Who's going to prescribe it? You?"
"Uh, Luz, it's just a question. You're young enough to still, you know."
"Tavin, I have had a hysterectomy. I told this to Callie, dear when she did our records."
"I didn't know."
"So if you'd like to go to bed, there's no risk at all that we'd have a love child."
"No thanks. Just wondering."
"I thought you were offering."
Tavin had his telephone book out and he'd flagged the addresses of the nearest GYN offices and a couple clinics. He and Julia got into he car on their special assignment and drove to the nearest one first. They went inside, clearing their way to the second floor office, which had been virtually untouched since the end of days. Whoever had worked there had cleared out a portion of what was there as some drawers and cabinets were empty. Mostly bandages and dressings probably. Julia and Tavin rummaged around and gathered up very little. The next two offices were similar till the third was promising. They hit pay dirt, emptying out the place. An ultrasound monitor, especially, which would give them the ability to hear the baby's heartbeat. Ultrasound gel, lubricant, GYN tools like the speculum. Everything still in its packaging.
"Found them." Julia called. She'd been in a storage room and found all kinds of birth control pills and the very device she had inside her. On the shelf was a dvd with the directions from the company on insertion and removal. Tavin swiped the doctor's books from the shelf as well.
"This is awesome, Red. I think we got everything we need." He said.
"Good, lets go."
They loaded up the car with their goods and drove away. He took the long way home, surveying the land around them on the ride back. No living souls, only scattered dead souls ambling through pastures and on the road side, some in the road and they had to swerve around them. As Tavin drove and pointed out areas of interest for possible future endeavors, Julia wrote them all down. She'd been caught off guard when he suddenly veered off the main road and turned onto a side street. He'd seen the sign miles back and hoped that there'd be something left for them and there was. They ran free around the grounds. Unsupervised and no keepers in sight, Tavin parked the car and went to the fence. He patted the black horse on the head. They were still alive somehow. He was more than excited.
"We need to bring Paul here for horse 101."
"Wow, Tavin, he's so gentle." Julia said in awe. He stood at the fence neighing and whinnying, doing what horses do.
"We'll stop by there on the way home and we'll tell Paul about the Mexicans and the horses. We need a couple right?"
"Oh, I love him. He's so soft too."
They stood a while longer, watching the few horses in the tall grass run and play together. Then they saw the foal, galloping with them. The tiniest of horses. "A newborn?" Julia asked. "This is a sign. We're where we're supposed to be, That baby horse. Look!" Julia gushed with a happiness he hadn't seen from her in a long time. She stood on the wood slat of the fence to get a better look at the baby.
On their way back to the car, he held her hand and walked the long way quietly. "I love you, Julia Fry." He smiled, opening her car door for her.
"I love you too, Tavin Keller." She replied, smiling.
They found Paul in the field with his girls pulling veggies from the plants. There was no smelling and no counting, just plain old work. Holly was in the house with Claire. Tavin and Julia explained the Mexican conversation with Abuelo. They explained they'd found some free horses in need of a good home.
"Wonderful." Paul said. "How many you say? We can take them all."
Paul was as informed about horses as Julia and Tavin were uninformed. They made a date for the next morning, bright and early. Tavin had to bring gas for the pick up and they'd transport them in the horse carrier.
"Horse carrier?"
"Did you think we were riding them back?" Paul laughed. He took them around the back of the barn and showed them the horse carrier. It attaches to the pick up and they'd wrangle them up and walk them inside. "Sounds like they're people friendly, kids. That's good."
"The black one's mine." Julia smiled. "I've grown attached."
Tavin and Julia played the DVD on the lap top. Tavin was staring intently at the video. They watched it again then a third time. He had all the instruments he needed. The directions were on the package.
"We need to make sure she's not pregnant before we do this."
"We?" Julia asked. "Like now?"
"Yeah, I wanna so try this." He said enthusiastically. "Go get her. I'll get her chart. Meet me upstairs."
Julia returned with Jess and a negative pregnancy test.
"What do you want me to do?" Jess asked nervously.
"I'd start with taking off your pants. Lay down." Tavin answered.
"This is awkward." Jess said, trying to peek downward as Tavin rooted around her crotch. "Are you ok. If you want to-"
"I'd like for you to be quiet and spread your legs more."
Julia stood at the foot end of the bed and watched as Tavin experimented on and in his very first patient as a gynecologist. Julia stood by his side and had the instructions and the tools to complete the task at hand. She also held a flashlight as the female anatomy was like a dark and fleshy cave. It's one thing to fuck it, but another entirely to work in it.
"Oh, wow." Julia said as he inserted and cranked open the speculum. They both visualized more of Jess than they ever thought they would.
"What?" She asked uncomfortably, trying to stay still. "What are you looking at?"
"You have a beautiful pussy, baby girl. Just relax."
"I have metal hanging out of my vagina, Julia."
"Yeah, it'll be uncomfortable for a bit. We're new to this." Julia said.
They were interrupted by a knock at the door. "What are you guys doing in there?" Kelly asked, turning the knob.
"I'm working, Kelly." Tavin called.
"Working?"
"It's a medical thing. I'll tell you when we're done."
Tavin, once he had her measured, inserted the IUD without any difficulty. It slipped in easily and when he met with resistance, he stopped. Step by step they worked. He pointed at Jess's crotch when he was all done. "See the strings in there?"
"Oh, yeah. "
"It says you're supposed to do a string check. Don't you-"
"No, never." Julia answered. "They didn't tell me that."
"You should be able to feel them."
Tavin removed the speculum and placed it on the drape he'd used beneath her. She scooted off the bed and got dressed. "How's it feel?"
"I don't feel it at all." Jess answered. "Thank you."
"Happy fucking." Tavin shrugged. "I'll bill your insurance." He joked.
"Ha ha." Jess laughed, leaving the room to find Chess and tell him what she'd had done.
Kelly returned to the room and saw Julia cleaning up the trash from the insertion and Tavin was writing in Jess's chart. She'd been suspicious behind the locked door, but upon entering realized they'd been honestly working. "I told you we were working." Tavin said. His condescending tone of voice as he talked to Kelly clear. Julia wasn't pleased with his tone, but Kelly glared at him. She obviously didn't trust him.
"I'm sorry." She said, then turned and left abruptly. The tension was thick there.
"She's pregnant." He shrugged.
Julia admonished him. "Why couldn't we keep her? She was coming along just fine."
"You two were brainwashing her."
"Like you're not. I'm telling you she'd behave better if me and Jess could share her with you."
"You are not fucking my pregnant girlfriend."
"We were good with her."
"Know what? I didn't have a problem when it was you, but she doesn't like Jess like that and I am uncomfortable with her being with them two. It confuses her. She's a kid, Red."
"No one said she had to hook up. If you don't want her hooking up, then why didn't you just say that?"
"It's over. It doesn't matter."
"Tavin, she was coming around. She enjoyed what we did with and without Jess. I enjoy being alone with her. She's a beautiful girl. Do you see that?"
"I see her beauty, yes. I love her, Julia."
"You keep her so guarded all the time."
"Red, I appreciate your help. You loosened her up a lot. But she was starting to fuck like you. She was saying things to me that you would say. It was like being in bed with you."
"So."
"I want her to be herself. Not you in disguise. There's a difference between bringing her out of her shy shell and cloning you. I don't want your clone. I prefer the original."
"I guess that makes sense."
"I thought you were doing it on purpose. To mess with me."
"No, I want you to be happy in bed with her. That was all. I only know one way to fuck, Tavin."
"Liar. You fuck all of us different. I have spent way too much time in the same room with you to know the truth."
"No. I don't, Tavin."
"Ok, fine. You're bored with Jay. So you fuck like you're bored. You're playful with Chess. You fuck him like it. Me, well, you fuck me. You'll do whatever with me cause you're up for it and you know you'll like it. That's how it is." He paused. "And Jesslyn, that's where the intimacy is. I think you prefer Jess before the rest of us. I personally think you're fucking way too many people and you need to get it together and just pick someone."
"Tavin."
"Julia, I really think you haven't found your person at all yet. There's someone out there you haven't even met yet. The one isn't even near here. He hasn't arrived yet. You fell into bed with one or another, but the one, that one person that will steal your heart out of your chest and control its pulse-that guy's the lucky one."
"What the fuck, Tavin. I met my one and I live with my one and share every part of my self with my one. You don't know shit. You're stupid." Julia tied the bag of trash and left him sitting alone in the room with Jess's chart.
"You called me stupid and you're mad at me?" Tavin said as he followed behind her with the flashlight. Julia carried her spear and Tavin checked the fence. The usual routine. Julia found it boring. Tavin took this job very seriously.
"You're so insulting. You act like you know everything and you don't." Julia yelled at him. "You're all preachy because of the Abuelo. I get it, but you went too far. Why don't you just out and call me a fucking whore? Oooh, that pisses me off. Where do you get off calling me names?"
"I didn't call you any names. You just did."
"Fucking ridiculous. Jay should have never told you about this whole thing to begin with. He should have just left you out of it. Knowing made you curious. I didn't hear you complaining the one night you went in on it. The hours we spent together after not being together in months and months. It was such a release for me and I loved that time we spent together. I was nervous and scared and happy and what a rush all at the same time. Then today you go and get all preachy."
"You're way too emotional about this. I'm sorry I said anything at all."
"You can love more than one person at a time, Tavin."
"Shhh, listen. You hear that?" Tavin asked. He hushed her.
"No. I don't hear anything."
"Listen. In here. With us."
Tavin and Julia stood still, listening as the footsteps fell softly on the earth between the rows of corn.
"It's alive." Julia whispered.
"I know who it is. Keep going." He whispered.
They walked ahead of the footsteps. They continued the fence checks, Julia speared corpses and shoved them off the fence. "She doesn't trust you."
The perimeter check moved faster than usual with their tail in hot pursuit. When they got back to the first post, they lost their tail.
"Let me talk to her?"
"Yeah. Go."
Julia went inside the house and left the boys and Jess out by the fire. She climbed the stairs to their room and knocked on the door, which was open. She lay on the bed reading her parenting book.
"Why don't you come outside and hang out for a little while? Have a little fun, Kelly."
"No, thanks. I'm hot. Don't feel like moving." She answered.
"Well, you were moving around outside without any problem a little bit ago." Julia retorted. "If you have something on your mind, just say it."
"He's in love with you."
"No, he's not. He tells me all the time how much he loves you, Kelly."
"You're always going places together and doing things together."
Julia crossed the room and sat beside her on the bed. "You have it so wrong, Kell. We work together. When we go places, it's because we have things we have to do to make this group run. I know he tells you where we go and what we do."
"He does, but I feel like the more pregnant I get the less he's interested in me."
"That can't be farther from the truth. You're adorable pregnant. Look at this." Julia smiled, patting her belly. "This is amazing. If you don't think he loves you, then look here. This is love." Julia smiled. She got up and pulled the ultrasound from the pile of supplies they hadn't put away yet. "He got this for you today. Babe, he loves you and baby Keller in here."
"What's that?"
"This is the coolest thing ever." Julia told her. She lifted Kelly's tee and squirted some jelly on her belly. She turned on the ultrasound and rubbed it over the jelly until she found the swooshing that she was looking for. "Do you hear that?"
"Yeah, is that the baby?" She asked with tears forming in her eyes.
"Yep, baby's heartbeat. Hear how fast it is?" Julia asked. "Like twice as fast as yours. This is the kind of stuff we get when we go out. He thinks of nothing but you and your comfort and your future constantly. You got nothing to worry about from him, me or anyone else." Julia thought a moment. "I know you're prego and all but if you spent some more time with us, hang out once in a while, you might realize all your fears and worries are over nothing."
"I guess, but he doesn't want to hang out with me. He's afraid to be affectionate and he's a different person with me and then with everyone else."
"I realize that. He needs you so bad to be able to keep his thoughts private. He's got a huge responsibility here. But we want you for you. Not because of him. You can separate yourself from him, you know, and still be with him."
"I'm so confused by all these changes and-"
"This is your first relationship. You're young. You will figure it out. I promise you." Julia assured her. "I know what it's like to have a guy in my life like him and worry about how other girls will act around him. You're not the first to go through this. Every girl has doubts at some time or another, sits and questions the choices and the situation we find ourselves in. I swear this is normal. And a baby on top of everything, before you really know each other..."
"What if this doesn't work out between us?"
"Then it doesn't work out. We will still be a family and we will still support you and help you and be there for you. He's a really good guy and you're a great person. Don't do this to yourself."
"He doesn't like to hear me complain."
"He may not like it, but he can handle anything. He'll be your best friend and your greatest ally, if you let him. But you gotta be heard and you have to be your own person, too. It takes time."
"How much time?"
"A long time. When me and Jay started out, I felt like you. After going through hard times and having some good times, we got closer. It doesn't happen over night."
"I'm sorry I followed you."
"Don't be. You could have just confronted us. It would have been easier and a lot less foot work. You're allowed to be mad. You're allowed to be jealous. You are allowed to have a voice. Don't shut up, speak up, speak out. You're as important in this group as anyone else. There are so many of us sometimes you gotta raise your voice to be heard."
"Ok." She said.
"Now, get up, come outside and sit with your boyfriend. There's a campfire. And drinks. It'll do you some good to hang out with people over the age of ten."
