They organized their plan for keeping Tom monitored and isolated, fed and comfortable. They chose to minimize the amount of people that came into contact with him. Meals would be brought to him and he had to remain restricted to the room. Anyone else that became ill would follow the same restrictions. The room where Daphne died would have to be scrubbed clean and then disinfected with bleach. Tavin had already thought of this scenario taking place, had feared it taking place. He told Julia losing people the way that Audrey and her girls had died or losing people the way Daphne died was an inevitable fact of life they'd face. He wanted to keep everyone alive and healthy as much as she did, but people would get sick. One never left the house and the other had been out in the field with them. They tried to figure out how the infection got into the house. Daphne had been confined to the house since their arrival, but Tom had not been. Tavin threw out ideas and thought aloud till he realized his audience was tired and struggling to stay awake. He made her get up and go inside.
They went inside the house, passing Doug and Rob who slept on the floor in front of the fireplace. Luz and Fiona slept awkwardly on the sofa. They went upstairs and he left Julia at her room and went to check on Tom. Donning a fresh pair of gloves and a mask, he entered the room. He roused Tom, took his temperature, 101.4. He made him sit up and drink some water, gave him another dose of Tylenol. Tom remained lucid and as they talked he was in good spirits, but tired. He said he felt every joint in his body as he moved. He asked about Daphne and learning of her death he asked if Tavin had put her down. When Tavin told him yes, Tom asked the same of him if the time should come. Tom denied feeling like he was dying, denied feeling like he had anything other than the flu.
Tavin sat beside the bed in a chair, watching Tom and talking. He sat there a long time after he had fallen asleep, listening to him breathe. He sat in the chair by the window, feet propped up on a hassock and had good intentions of going to bed after rechecking Tom's temp. He dozed off, waking up near dawn as he heard movement in the room with him. Tom was trying to get out of bed and Tavin got to him, still 100%, but confused. He was rambling about getting ready for work. He recognized Tavin, but insisted he had to get up for work.
"You're sick, Tom. I had to call work and let them know you were going to take the day off." Tavin reassured him as he stood unsteady on his feet. He caught Tom as he swayed a bit. He made him sit down. "Hey, you're gonna fall, man, sit down." Tavin helped him back to a seated position and took his temperature again, gave him some water and another dose of Tylenol for the 101 fever he still had. As Tom drank the water, Tavin turned on the light. The bed was wet, Tom was wet. He moved Tom to the chair and stripped the bed to the mattress.
"Is anyone up?" Tavin called from the doorway, not wanting to leave Tom alone in the room. "Hello." Tavin called. All the people in the house someone had to be awake.
Jay appeared first. "What? Is he-"
"No, I need some sheets." Tavin answered.
Julia woke up, hearing Jay and Tavin's voices. "What's wrong? Is Tom ok?" She asked, crawling off the mattress to Jay in the doorway. She peeked into the hall, dreading the news that Tom had passed away. Sheets? Julia went to Tom's room, then fetched some sheets and some towels. She placed some towels on the mattress and then remade the bed while Tavin stripped Tom's wet clothes off. Tom was delirious, Tavin guessed. Julia assisted with the rest of the clothes and avoided looking at the 6 foot tall, husky man that stood naked in front of her. Jay played fetch as Julia told him to wet a towel with some soapy water and bring it back to the room. Tavin maneuvered him back in bed as Jay tossed her the towel. She went to the bed and tried handing it to Tavin who wouldn't take it from her. Julia reluctantly started wiping him down with the towel to get the urine and the smell of urine off his body. She stopped short of his nether region, which made her very uncomfortable. Tavin shook his head, she rolled her eyes. "Where's that nurse of yours?" Julia whispered as she finished cleaning up her patient. Julia folded up an extra towel when she had finished cleaning Tom and tucked it over his penis to prevent him from peeing on the sheets again. Hopefully he'd pee on the towel before peeing on the sheets. Jay fetched her a bag and she bagged up the linen, towels and his clothes.
She started a load of laundry, washing the contents of the bag. She was silent the rest of the morning, not wanting to be bothered by anyone. She mixed up a bucket of hot, soapy water and went to work in the room where Daphne had died, scrubbing the area down. She then disinfected it with bleach. She was offered help, but declined assistance. Julia spent the morning alone and cried the entire time she scrubbed. When she finished, she went back to Tom's room with the dry linen and towels. Tavin had set up a patient kit with soap and wipes, extra trash bags. Julia sat beside the bed in the chair, looked at the papers Callie had left on the table with the time and the most recent observations.
She sat next to the bed in the chair and felt his forehead. He opened his eyes, which startled her.
"I'm going to work in the morning."
"Yeah, Tom, you're going to work in the morning."
"Did we close the bar?"
"Yeah, last ones out." Julia nodded.
"Gotta do it again sometime."
Callie came in the room. She looked at Tom and then stood near the window, looking out over the yard as the guys piled the dead in the back by the fence. "Tavin told me you did a great job this morning with him."
Julia didn't respond, stretching her body. Every single muscle was sore from sex, moving a dead body, scrubbing the room so the ladies could return to it that night. "How long is the confusion gonna last?" She asked.
"Tavin thinks he's delirious from the fever."
"How long does that last, Callie?"
"I don't know." She paused. "You know I'm still in school. I never actually worked as a nurse."
"They made you stay at the hospital though."
"There was no one else there. Should have left when the regular staff left, but they threatened us. Told us we were breaking the law, not allowed to abandon patients. We didn't know any better." She answered. "They had us working as nurses, taking care of people. We had no idea what we were doing. We didn't work with the infected, we cared for the ones who were already there."
"When did you leave? Why?"
"He made me leave. I was trying my best, giving medicine out and helping people. Assessing people. I really started to like the job, felt like I was doing something worthwhile. Then he showed up and dragged me out of there."
"You left them."
"We didn't know what was going on outside. The place was running on generators, in a state of emergency. It was a disaster. Student docs and student nurses. A lot of the older nurses hung in there the longest. But we hung in till the end. I'd still be there if he didn't get me out. I never would have made it out without him."
"It was hard to get out of the city."
"There were hundreds of these things everywhere. A city full of them. It was like a war zone. We left after the military, so what's that mean? The people who were supposed to protect us, they left us. There were dead and undead and alive all over and there were people looting what they could. Half the city was on fire. Gun shots and all that blood. Tavin picked up guns off dead police at the hospital and he had to kill them to get us out."
"The cops or-"
"Anyone, Julia. Anyone in the way." She replied. "Alive, dead, it didn't matter. Everyone had a target on their back. It was desperate. People were trying to get out of the city. No one knew where to go. Major roads were jam packed with cars and more carnage. It was terrifying. A nightmare."
"How did you get out?"
"On foot at first, then a dirt bike, then when we got out, a truck. He had a key to a truck. This old beat up thing. We drove a long time, had to use back roads and go through or around detours. Once we got out of the city and far enough away, we met others in the same situation. All running away with no where to go. But he called you. He knew where we were going."
"He's been up against a lot in his life. He knows how to survive. Even if he didn't call me, you'd still be alive somewhere."
"I wish he'd open up about it. The past is just that, the past. That's all he'll say." Callie said. "He's different from Jay. Jay's so emotional. Tavin is so...cold."
"Tavin is guarded is all. Maybe it's a good thing you haven't pried that shell off."
"It could explain why he is the way he is. How do you know so much about him?"
"Jay. And I grew up on and off with them. My parents went to school with his mom."
"He won't talk about her at all."
"Karen is a touchy subject for both of them. I wouldn't go there unless he goes there." Julia advised her. "Why did you and him get together anyway? You seem so different."
"I took a course at the community college on community nursing. We met in the library of all places. He's smart so I was into him right away. He went there for his EMT cert, planned on getting into their paramedic program. I didn't know he was still in high school. He didn't carry himself like a high school kid. He had a job and worked with addicts. He has so much other stuff going on for him. I thought he was older."
"I didn't know him when he was using. He was a whole different person and dropped out of everyone's life for a long time. He totally turned his life around. Maybe he needs a meeting or something? That's why him and Tom are so close."
"He's an addict." Callie said like a light bulb turned on above her head. "He didn't work with addicts, he is one." Julia stopped talking at that point, realizing she'd unveiled a part of Tavin that he'd forgotten to mention.
Callie left the room and Julia stayed with Tom for a while longer, watching him as he slept. She dozed off in the chair and was woken up when Tavin came in to check on him as well.
"We burned the bodies, Red." He said matter of fact. He roused Tom, checked his temp, which was slowly but surely coming down. Julia handed off a water bottle. He sat Tom up on the bedside and made him take a piss in an empty container. Then made him take some Tylenol with the water Julia handed him. He left a moment to dump the pee and returned. Julia laid Tom back down, covered him up. "You talked with Callie."
"I may have mentioned something-"
"You did." He said sharply.
"Why don't you tell her stuff Tavin? Or tell me what you haven't told her, so I know when to keep my mouth shut."
"I'm not mad at you." He said, leaning against the wall where Callie had stood earlier. He looked out the same window and watched those bodies burning.
"The room's clean. The girls can go back in tonight."
"Thanks. I would have helped you."
"I didn't want help. You had to do other stuff."
"She thinks I am a sex addict, too."
"Could be worse things, you know." Julia smiled. "Nothing else to do around here."
"So, how do we get into your swingers group?" He laughed. "Since I am a sex addict."
"You don't swing with me anymore." Julia quipped.
"Chess-"
"It happens, that's all. Can we not do this, Tavin?" Julia asked quietly. "Or do you really plan on getting in the same bed with your brother?"
"Him and Chess don't-"
"No." She shivered. "I don't know how they even look at each other after..."
"How do you even look at each other after?"
"Cause we get turned on by it. That's how."
"What if you get pregnant? Or her?"
"I'm good for half a decade. Her-I guess we'll have babies, Tavin. What happens if any of us get pregnant? Are you pulling out of Callie? You don't use condoms, Tavin."
"I miss that, Red." He announced, looking down at her in her chair.
Julia opened her mouth to speak when Callie returned to the room. Julia opted to leave before she put her foot in her mouth and regretted saying anything in response.
Tom gradually improved over the course of a week. He needed less and less observation, he was alert and didn't remember anything that had taken place. He was grateful and emotional as he thanked everyone for taking care of him. As he gathered his strength he remained on quarantine. They gave him another week inside till he was clambering to get out. Eventually he was down right defiant. Sick for a solid week, then secluded for 2 more. He was becoming indignant about his situation.
Tavin agreed to lift his restrictions , but he was not allowed to leave the confines of the grounds till he was at his full level of activity. He needed to gain his weight and strength back.
His first day out of the room with the others at the main dining table, he gave everyone his gratitude for their concern and their care. He was emotional as he spoke. "To my doctors and nurses." He toasted with a cup of juice. "Did you take her to the farm?" He asked out of the blue.
"When you got sick we stayed here and made sure you were taken care of." Julia replied, "Then we got 2 feet of snow and had to hunker down. Then we just went on short runs for anything we would need."
"You stopped looking because of me?"
"Well, we put it on hold." Tavin answered.
"Take Julia to the farm."
To appease Tom, Tavin and Julia readied for a road trip to the farm that Tom had discovered. They drove the Prius down the country roads that wound around their general area. "Julia, it looks like snow again." Tavin mentioned as they drove into the long driveway.
"Ok. Well, we'll have to get back soon, then." She shrugged. "He really is focused on this place, huh?"
"Definitely. I'll show you around outside here first."
He gave Julia the tour of the barn, the coop, pointed out the outhouse and told her the story of the zom that fell out on top of Chess. He'd been sitting on the throne in there till Chess opened that door. Pants around his ankles and zombie dick all green and shriveled. He landed right square on top of Chess who was squealing like a girl. "I guess you had to be there." He laughed thinking about it. "Didn't know whether he was gonna get eaten or fucked."
"Or both." Julia laughed.
They stood at the wall Tom wanted to rip out. Described the vision he had, the length of the room.
Tavin pointed out the spots in the fencing that needed reinforcing. Eventually another layer of fencing around the house itself. On the outside perimeter of the fence, Tom had visions of wooden spikes to have the dead impale themselves as they crept toward the farm. Julia could see it happening. She thought his ideas were genius in fact. Julia walked around front. A couple trees in the front lawn. A wrap around porch. She climbed the rickety wooden steps to the porch. "You didn't tell me about the porch. I love this porch."
"It's a porch, Red."
Big windows, uncovered, overlooking the yard and the road. She walked the porch to the rear of the house and descended the steps into the yard. She was seeing the vision. She knew Tavin had an agenda, to make her dislike the place and the amount of work it would take to work this plan. But he could see he was on the losing end of the battle. Before pulling out the white flag and waving it, he took her inside the house. That's where the battle was ultimately lost. She explored each room like Dora and he was Boots hanging on her heels. She drooled over the fireplaces alone as fire had become her form of television.
"Yes, yes, yes." She said as she stood in the master bedroom.
Julia looked out the window and saw the expanse of land behind the house. It was not huge, but not small either. In fact it was just right. She watched the snow as it fell on the ground, a light layer.
"It's too much work. Where would we even begin?"
"Solar power, like he said. Then the fence, then the addition. Do you think we can manage separate rooms for people or would that be too much? Even if they're small rooms."
"No, no, no. Julia, do have any idea how much work it will be going into this project? And he's still weak."
He moved behind her at the window, looking outside and wondering what she saw that made her stare so hard. She was thinking, though. She was seeing the same things Tom had seen only adding her touches to it.
"He will recover."
"I think we should keep looking."
"Good. Do it. Keep looking and find us something then." She said, stepping away from the window.. "We need to head out of here. It's coming down."
"Let's go then."
The snow carpeted the drive and the road. Tavin mumbled he wasn't surprised when the tire caught a patch of ice and slush from the previous storm that came through. He tried to right the car before it veered off the road into a ditch. He even tried to get it out of the ditch, but that was unsuccessful with the Prius nose down. He got out of the car, cussing, told Julia to slide over and put it in reverse. He gave it a good push with her giving it gas in reverse. It wouldn't budge.
"We're gonna have to pull it out, Julia, with the other vehicle. Or find another one altogether." Tavin was pissed off. "Fuck." He swore. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He beat his fists on the hood of the car.
"Tavin, calm down." Julia told him, pulling their bags out of the car seat. She popped the trunk and retrieved their heavy go bag. A bag similar to this was in every vehicle, Tom's idea. She handed it to Tavin as they stood in the road. Snow flakes dotted them with a white coat. At least an inch and a half lay on the road now.
"How can you be so calm about everything?" He asked. She saw how angry he was.
"I don't know how to be any other way." She shrugged, positioning the bags on her shoulders. He took another off her. "How far to home?"
"Miles. All the way back down this route then through town then back...fuck." He swore again.
Julia started walking. "Do you know how long it's going to take to walk there?" He asked.
"No. But what are we going to do? Fly? Hitchhike?"
"Walk as far as we can, try to find another car. Or go back to the farm and let them come find us, which they will do. With the truck."
"You don't know how much snow's coming. What if it's another 2 feet, Tavin? It's dangerous for them to come out looking in deep snow."
"We shouldn't have left to begin with." He told her. "But you had to."
"It wasn't like I was leaving alone. I could have just as easily come here with Jayson."
"The reason we're here is because I remember where the fucking place is. So, no. You couldn't have come with Jayson." He said, stepping in line along side her as she walked. She started slipping in the snow. "Where's your boots at?" He asked annoyed, catching her as she nearly fell the third time.
"Home." She answered, holding onto his arm tighter.
"Shit, Julia."
"I'm sorry. It's slippery."
"Turn around, we're going back. We're closer to Tom's vision than we are to home."
"I told you why I want to start heading back."
"If they come out here to try and find us and we left, they won't have a clue where we got to."
"No one knows where the farm is remember?"
"They'll bring Tom." He shot back at her quickly. "Not every decision is yours to make and I'm telling you that you are wrong this time."
Tavin started the trek back to the farm, passing the Prius in the ditch. As he walked he picked up any wood he could try to use for kindling and had a bound, neat pile by the time they got back. He left her slipping and sliding behind him till he heard her crying. She obviously wore the wrong shoes. Tavin was angry at the circumstances and at her. He stopped and waited till she got beside him and then left her grab hold of his arm. "Please stop crying, Red. We're going to be ok. We're almost there."
Her feet were wet and she felt her feet numbing. She was cold and wet and she just cried quietly, holding on as he held her up. "Why are you crying?" He asked as he guided her down the drive to the rear of the farm house.
"Because you're mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you. Never mad at you." He said, taking her inside. He sat her on the table and pulled off her shoes and socks. He started rubbing her feet between his gloved hands to warm them.
"You are mad at me. You've been giving me nasty looks and nasty comments for a couple weeks." She cried as she tried to tolerate his rubbing hands.
"You're all hormonal with the crying. It's not me."
"I'm not hormonal, Tavin. I've tried avoiding you, being nice to you, helping you and nothing works. Can you tell me what I am doing wrong?"
"Nothing. You're doing everything right. I'm just tired of this. Living like this. I have just had enough. I want things back the way they were."
"That's what I want, too."
"No, it's not. You want something completely different. It's not going to work."
"We have to try."
"Why? We're all going to die. It's a matter of time. Every last one of us."
"We can stop it, start again. We can build a new life, a new way of life. We don't need the stuff we had before. It's just stuff."
"These things are going to be lurking everywhere we turn for the rest of our lives. No matter what we do, where we go. And we made it our place to protect and take care of everyone. It's too much."
"Are you mad cause they look to you for that? I am not. Maybe this is what we were always meant to do. This is our purpose, Tavin. This is why we were born."
"You officially lost your mind." He told her, letting her feet go. He wrapped her in a blanket out of the go bag and went over to the wood stove. He determined it wasn't worth trying to light. He went to the living room and set out the second blanket on the floor. Kneeling in front of the fireplace he placed the kindling and looked then went to the kitchen and brought in a chair. Julia started to get up to sit in the chair. "Sit down, Red." He told her, breaking the chair into its wooden pieces. He placed them in the fireplace. From the looks the charred wood remnants in the fireplace the outhouse man had used it before he died on his throne. He started a nice fire burning, then broke the rest of the chairs into pieces, piling them neatly on the floor next to Julia. He brought their packs in the room too.
"I love the fire." Julia said, dropping the blanket from her shoulders, pulling her legs out. "Thanks."
He said nothing, staring out the window, looking for the dead. He left her to head upstairs, bringing the wooden furniture down piece by piece in case they needed more later. Then he returned to he window. Julia got to her knees, setting her socks and shoes near the fire to dry out.
She sat a long time watching the flames, thinking how hypnotizing the fire could be. "Tavin, come sit down." Silence. Silence and more silence. No matter what she said, no response.
"We're a good team." He said suddenly. " I was thinking about what Tom said, when he thanked his doctors and nurses. That's us, y'know. Callie she tries, but she just doesn't have it in her. She's one of those pretty nurses that hangs out in the hospital that struts around just looking for a doctor husband. And when she finds one, then she leaves the hospital to work in his office. The kind that is only meant to take blood pressures and educate patients."
"She'll learn."
"She's scared to learn. This isn't why she went to school. She went for the fat salary and the cute uniform."
"That's a harsh thing to say." Julia sniffled as she tried not to cry in front of him.
"It's the truth." He paused. "I told her. Everything. She said to me, 'Julia knows more about you than I do'. So I told her all the truth. Every last bit of it. Growing up with Karen as a mom, taking care of Jay, moving from place to place. I told her about the foster homes, the dudes that try to suck your dick in the middle of the night. The dudes that do suck your dick and touch you in the middle of the night. The ones that beat you and abuse you."
"Stop it, Tavin."
"Then the first time you do drugs, it is so good and it changes you. It changes the chemistry inside you and you look and look for the good feeling every day over and over and never find it. But it fills that empty spot inside you, for awhile. Then the first time you stick a needle in your arm. It's amazing, Julia. You pray you won't die and then you pray you do. It's a double edged sword. Then everything in your life becomes that needle. You buy, sell, rob and steal to get that high." He walked over and sat next to her on the blanket. "You know what ended it? Not getting arrested. I still used after that and that doesn't stop an addict. Bottom is doing something so wrong and so against everything I ever wanted to do or ever thought I'd do. It changes you and when you sober up for the first time after, it haunts you. I swore I'd never touch it again. I would kill myself before ever touching it again and that's when I asked for help. I turned myself in to the police, cause I had a warrant out. I told the judge to throw the book at me hard. That I wanted to get clean, but whatever time I'd have to do I would do it and not complain. And that guy saw something in me that he believed because everyone that comes into court asks for a program before jail. I asked for a jail with a program."
"What was bottom?" Julia asked, tears still trailing down her face.
"I have never admitted to anyone what bottom is. Not my judge, not my girl, not my family. No one. I got arrested for robbing someone. I got caught, but that was just one of the many people I stole from. Bottom is just the weakest a person can get. When you've lost every last bit of humanity and you think, y'know what. I quit. I either quit living or I quit living like this. I gave myself an ultimatum."
"What was bottom?" She asked again.
"I've never told anyone, which means-"
"It will stay with me."
"One night I did what I swore I'd never do. I had this buddy that sold food stamp cards, drugs, electronics, whatever. So I went to him and asked if there was anything I could do for him. He saw I needed money bad and it was one of those times that my insides literally hurt and my bones felt like they were breaking. Hadn't eaten in days, hadn't used in a couple. I was so fucked up. I needed money and I was at the point that I didn't give a fuck how I was gonna get it. So instead of Arnold giving me something to do around his shitty little store, he put the closed sign on the door and took me in back where we worked out a deal."
"What deal?"
"He'd always wanted something from me that I was never willing to give. He saw how desperate I was and he took advantage of it. He set five 20's on the table." She let Tavin take his time. Kept her mouth shut and waited for him. This was his story to tell and didn't need any prodding from her. "Long story short, Arnold was a straight fag, always hitting on me and telling me what he wanted to do with me. Shit like that, but I didn't care right cause he paid me for doing stuff and always bought the shit I stole. I reached for the money, but he wanted me to touch him and I was like not going for it. I was 100% sure my hands and my mouth weren't going anywhere on his body. It was humiliating, the lowest I had gone and I had a decision to make. He paid me to let him suck my dick. At first it skeeved me out, it still does, Red. Thinking about it now I want to just throw up because I am so far away from that person I was. But I couldn't get hard. My dick stays hard 24/7, but not when I'm using, especially on the needle, my dick was soft. He tried everything to get my dick hard, but nothing. I told him I wasn't into guys like that. I just totally suck at being a whore and wasn't meant for that. I needed to get high though and 100$, that would get me a long way. Something to eat, a place to stay over night, and drugs."
"What did you let him do?"
"I let him fuck me." He said. "For 100$."
"Why didn't you admit that to anyone? I know it's deeply personal, but Tavin it's part of your recovery. You shouldn't feel as though you can't be honest about that. Why would you carry that around for so long?"
"That's not bottom."
"What's worse than that?" Julia asked a bit surprised.
"A week later, I went back. Wanted something to do in the shop. I wasn't as bad off as I was the week before. Not as desperate, I guess. So he wanted more of the same. I told him no. He started telling me all kinds of shit, like we could do that on the regular, that I was a great fuck. Just stuff that I didn't want to hear. I wanted to drop it like it never happened. People do stupid stuff when they wanna get high. Stuff you can regret the rest of your life." He explained. "So we went in his office again. He put the closed sign on the door again. But this time he put the money on the desk and I bent over it I grabbed the gun from the desk drawer. I turned around and put a bullet in his skull. Then another one, then another one."
"You killed this guy."
"Like Jay killed your guy." He told her, nodding. "When you said a couple weeks ago that we were born to do this. That we were born to lead these people, like this is our purpose in life. It pissed me off. I have been going through shit in my mind since you said that. We had one body we were working to save and one body that we'd put down on a pile of bodies we were burning and you told me that this is our lot in life. That we were born to do this. I have spent every day of my life trying to work toward making a better person of myself and a better life for myself since I killed him and then you go and pat me on the back for all the death we do."
"I didn't mean it like that. You know I didn't mean it like that. You have to know that, Tavin."
"So that night I talked to Callie. You said, 'open up to her', so I go and open up to her. About everything. I told her I slept with you. All the other girls I have slept with on my way to her. But that, I couldn't bring myself to tell her about that. She's already pulled away from me. She's already wondering who this loser is that tricked her into a relationship."
"Don't you dare talk about yourself like that."
"She wants to move into another room." He admitted. "It was good when it was a mystery. Chicks like mystery."
"Chicks like honesty and openness and selflessness and strength."
"She tells me she doesn't know me. I just told her every possible fact about me and she tells me she doesn't know me anymore. I'm a completely different person now." He added. "Every time I try to kiss her or hug her, she pushes me away. She's worried about her health, like I'm gonna give her a disease. I don't have any diseases. I was tested regularly after I quit using."
Julia was speechless for the first time in a long time. She reached out to him and brought him close to her, hugging him and leaving him let out his pain. He started crying, just like his brother, curled up with his head in her lap while she played with his hair and rubbed his back. For a moment they looked a lot alike to her. But having the emotional rock crumble in front of her was awing. She was used to Jay crying. Hell, he cried more than she ever did. But this brother was notorious for holding it together. The strong one, the unshakeable one. "When you think life cannot fall apart any more than it already has, your girl decides she wants to see other people. I didn't think that would even be possible, but she's been getting to know Hayley's gang banger."
"You're kidding. I haven't noticed."
"You've been doing her job with Tom and holding the place together like always, some shit flies under your radar." He told her.
"I'm sorry, Tavin."
"I told you that I kept things from her for a reason, but you insisted. Saying she wants to know more."
"The whole point to having someone in your life is confiding in them. Being able to divulge all your feelings, your fears, your past, and then that person loves you unconditionally."
"That's not her."
"Then it's not meant to be. Move on."
"Move on to what? I'll just start dating again. There are so many girls to choose from. I'll have to beat them off me with a stick. They'll be banging down the door to get to me-live ones and dead ones."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"I needed to get everything out. I started this story and now I need to tell everything."
"Is that everything?"
"Yeah. I feel better. I needed to get that out." He said. "It's been eating at me."
Julia pulled the go bag over to her and found something for them to snack on. She opened and shared fruit cups and Jell-O, spooning bites into his mouth like a kid. His mood did brighten up after divulging the most private parts of his past. It was like a weight had lifted off his shoulders.
Jess came outside to the truck where Chess and Jay stood in the snow. She pulled her sweater tight against her and yelled to them. "Dinner."
"Be right in." Chess called. "So we going out tonight in this mess? Or are we waiting for morning?"
"I want to go now, but it's not smart."
"Where are they?" Chess asked.
"I think they got stuck in this snow and they are holed up together somewhere riding it out until it clears up. It's coming down pretty hard."
"Think they're ok?"
"Yeah, they're definitely ok. They know how to handle themselves."
"He'll protect her, Jay. You know he would."
"Protecting is not what I'm worried about." Jay said, looking around the yard as the darkness started to fall. "Shit. I don't trust them, Chess. Either one of them."
"You think he would-"
"Yes,"
"You think she would?"
"Yes."
"Jay, we can go if you want. I'll ride with you, but I don't think it's smart. We don't even know where we're going."
"Tom knows." Jay said, looking at the house.
"Why'd you get back with her if you can't trust her?"
"I'm stupid."
"Both of them could go. Put them both out."
"Chess, times are different."
"Both of them could go. Put them both out." He said again.
"We wouldn't make it without them."
"Yes, we could."
"No we couldn't."
"Look, I know you're worried, Jay."
"She loves him. Nothing has changed. He's the one she wants."
"And what are you going to do if she comes back here and tells you the truth about the night they spend together?"
"I'll let her go. If he's the one she wants, I'll let her go."
"Yeah, right. That might happen. You'll live with it. Like you have been. You know she does what she wants. Like with Jess and me. She does what she wants, she just lets you in on that. She's a whore, Jay, you deserve better than that."
"I Love her, Chess."
"You can love someone else. The pickin's are slim I know, but -"
"Let's go eat, then talk to Tom about going out after this stops. We have to find that farm if they're not home by afternoon."
"Why don't we just leave them make their own way home?"
"Would they do that to us?"
Night had fallen. The parlor was dimly lit with firelight. Tavin added another piece of wood to the fire. They had talked for hours about making the farm livable, breathing life into the vision. Anything was possible with effort. The more time they spent talking about it and sitting beside the fire, he admitted how cozy the place was. No matter the odds they had to remain optimistic. When they started doubting and growing despondent, they would lose energy and they'd lose the will to live. Julia didn't want to replace the world they lived in before, rather she planned on reinventing the world. She wanted peace and she wanted community. She wanted more people. Everything she had shut out before, now seemed possible to her. Even if the only people she ever saw for the rest of her life were with her currently, as long as they were safe and happy that would satisfy her.
"We're the leaders, you know."
"I know."
"We make a good team. I know I say that, but I believe it. We do make a good team."
"I think there's more to our team to be honest. We're only as strong as those around us."
"I think they're only as strong as those who lead." He corrected her.
"Can it be both?"
"I'll have to think about it."
"We're going to be ok. I keep telling myself that. I have my weak moments, but I don't let anyone see that. Those moments when I break down. It's usually late at night. I'll sneak in the bathroom and I'll cry. Or I'll be left alone to complete a task, like cleaning that room after Daphne died. I cried all day that day. It's not that I don't have people to lean on. I mean I have my Jay, but he's the one that always needs the propping up. He can't quite seem to prop me up, so I figure it out myself. I think and think and think till I get a headache most days."
"Tired of handling every problem that comes up."
"I Guess." Julia mumbled, rummaging through the bag. "Well, we ate all the fruit cups and
Jell-O. I wish I had some vodka and my girlfriend."
"What's up with that anyway?"
"Jess is my girl. She replaced Hayley. Every girl needs a bestie. Someone to chat with and talk about girl stuff. "
"But what's with the sex?"
"It's good. She's a freaky little thing. Chess totally turned her into this creature, this wonderfully sexy and sex craving creature."
"She doesn't look like it. Or act like it."
"Just add vodka." Julia laughed a bit. "She'll do whatever. And the strange thing is she was a virgin with Chess. This little shy and needy girl. She reminds me of me a little."
"Not at all."
"On the inside, 2 years ago, yes. Totally innocent and not knowing anything about the world or anything in it. Still believing everything is good and nice. She's hip to the world now, but I keep her home. I want to keep her innocent and safe and untouched. Like that shit with the walker, when those stupid kids left the gate open. It totally bothered me. That she had to see and do that. I didn't want that for her."
"You love her?"
"Yes, I do. I got to know her. She's special. That's what I like about her. I want to keep her that way."
"That's unrealistic. And virtually impossible nowadays. " He advised her. "I think we should have some kind of basic training with the ones that don't go out like we do. If something happened again like that. They need to be able to hold things down. Especially Andy and Rey. They might be gay, but they're boys. They should be stepping up like the rest."
"OK, we can do that. I agree with that." Julia said. "There's so much to do."
"And if we gave them more responsibility, we'd get more done. We'll work them to death here."
"Really." Julia nodded. "So you're liking the idea, Mr Keller?"
"I can see it happening. I like this place, but it's so much work."
"Anywhere we go it's going to be work. We need to get Tom well enough to see it through. How much longer do you think he'll need?"
"A couple more weeks at least. We know one thing from all this, Red. Not everyone dies from it."
"I think that's awesome. It gives me hope, Jay."
"Are you thinking about him?"
"Huh?"
"Jay. You called me Jay. Are you thinking about him?"
"No. I wasn't."
"Did you bring your book?"
"It's home. I should carry it, but I didn't think we'd get stuck out here. Why?"
"He needs to give us a list of things for the different projects he has planned here. We can go out and get what he needs and then bring it here. Store it in the barn while he's recovering."
"I already had him do a list. One for solar power, one for the build."
"We'll need one for the fence. And some kind of schematic on how to do that spike thing he was talking about. How many and how to place them and all that."
"Ok. What are the other options?"
"Do you want us to do this or not?"
"I do. I've also thought about the apartment buildings and the nursing homes that are out there. There are gated communities, too. With strong walls and foundations. We should have a back up place to go in case this place falls."
"We'll find one."
"And once the truck is empty and we're all settled, I want to have that truck stocked and ready to roll out. Yeah, we can get comfortable, but we have to be ready to evacuate. The only part to this I don't like is we never know what's coming around the next corner."
"Ok, Red."
"And I want to check on Bob. We'll send Kevin and Hayley to check on Bob when we get home."
"Ok, Red."
Tavin got off the floor and placed another piece of wood on the fire. He put his coat on. "Where you going?"
"Outside."
"Why? "
"Gonna take a look around and take a piss. Ok?"
"I have to pee too, but I'm not going all the way out there."
"There's no bathroom in your dream house." He laughed. "Have you thought about that? How many women do we have? All on their period in an outhouse. You'll attract the dead from miles around."
"Very funny, Tavin. Very funny."
"One good thing, they'll all be easy to kill, drooling around an outhouse full of blood."
"Eww, Tavin, stop." She laughed.
"Come on. Up. Let's go take a piss."
The snow had stopped by morning. Three inches at most coated the road. Julia sat and waited, finished off the water bottles. Julia went out back and scooped up some snow in the empty containers. Once it melted next to the fire, she poured it into the water bottles and repeated the same ordeal till the water bottles were full. Tavin stayed asleep while she worked at filling them up. She set out the rest of the food from the go bag and waited till he woke up before eating anything. She took two more tours of the house, looking in closets and gathering up anything she found useful. Whoever had been here prior to them had burned the furniture. At one time there was probably some pretty sturdy wooden furniture in the place. It was better that the farmhouse was emptied out. She could see all its faults, all its wear and tear. Tavin was right on this one, it would take an enormous amount of work to make this work. But they were ready.
Tom heard at breakfast that Julia and Tavin hadn't come back yet from the farm house. As soon as his plate was cleared, he dressed and got ready. He put the boys in the truck and they drove out toward the farm. The entire drive out, Jay and Chess had to listen to him give an earful on how they should have head out last night when the two of them didn't return. He wasn't interested in their excuses why they didn't tell him and they stopped trying to explain that's what Julia would have done or Tavin would have done. When they saw the Prius in the ditch, Chess hopped out the passenger door and cleared the snow from the window. He climbed back in the truck and said they weren't in there. Tom pushed on to the farm house. Smoke was puffing from the chimney. Jay and Chess knew that's where they would be.
He sent Jay and Chess to get them from the house. Tavin was asleep and Julia wasn't down stairs.
"You alright?" Jay called.
Julia ran down the steps. "Yeah. You're early. Expected you later once it warmed up some." She smiled, hugging him. He pulled away from her. "What's wrong, Jay?"
"Nothing, Jules. Was just worried is all. Can we head out?"
"Gotta pull the Prius out of the ditch." Tavin announced, putting his boots on. "Fucking slush, we skidded right off the road."
Tavin attached ropes to the Prius and Tom pulled the car out onto the road. They had a couple unsuccessful attempts, but finally got it out and inspected the damage. A few scratches, but it was still road worthy. Jay and Julia rode in the Prius, following the truck back carefully in the tracks left by the truck.
"How was your night?" Jay asked her once together and without an audience.
"Good. We stayed warm. Glad we had the bag in the trunk of the car. We talked about the house and looked around some. I think I talked Tavin into it, but we'll see you know."
"What else did you do?"
"Uh, we ate and hung out Jay. It's not like we had a lot of activities to keep us busy. We mostly talked."
Jay drove in silence for miles at 10 miles an hour. "Did you sleep with him?"
"No, Jay. I didn't." She answered. "Is that what's bothering you?"
"Yeah, Julia."
"Well, we didn't." She answered. "You're not going to believe me. No matter what I say. But I didn't sleep with him."
"I'm supposed to believe you spent the night together alone and nothing happened."
"Because nothing did happen, Jayson."
"Would you tell me if it did?"
"Would you want me to?"
"Yes, I would, Julia. I would want you to tell me the truth."
"Nothing happened. That is the truth."
They finally arrived home after a painstakingly long drive. They parked the Prius and Julia made Jay come inside the house and led him upstairs to their room. She threw Jess out and closed the door. Julia started taking her clothes off. "What are you doing?"
"Come over here."
"No, Julia. What are you doing?"
"Proving to you that I didn't have sex with him."
"Julia-"
"You don't believe me. Smell me." She said sadly. "I'm humiliating myself for you so you'll believe that I didn't fuck him. Make sure."
"Julia," He stood still. Julia went to him and shoved him into the door.
"Be a fucking man about it. If you don't fucking trust me, then do it. Make sure." She took his hand and put it between her legs. "You were a man about it last summer." She said pulling his hand to her throat. "Remember. I was laying in your bed and you made it clear to me, what you said."
"Julia-"
"Do you mean it now like you meant it then? Did you mean it then, Jay? What did you tell me, Jay?"
"Julia, that was so long ago."
"Liar. What did you tell me?"
"If you gave my pussy away again, I'd cut his heart out and make you watch."
"You do remember. Then you would deal with me." She let go of his hand. "Do you really think I'd lay down with him?" His grip tightened a bit around her throat. "I did not give it away."
He left go, snapping back to reality.
She started getting dressed again. "Some things carried over from the last world into this new one. And that was one of them. "She walked to the door where he stood. She took his face in her hands. "If there's on thing that gets me through day by day, it's you. I look to you for everything. No one else. No one."
"Where are you going, Julia?"
"I want to see the kids."
Tavin spent the afternoon with Tom, working on the farmhouse. They drew up plans for reinforcing the fence as well as a rough draft of what the perimeter fence would look like. They drew up the plans for the solar power plan, what they'd need, how to run it and keep it functioning. Once the solar power was in place they'd be able to use power tools, run a fridge and a freezer or two. Some of the modern day appliances would be able to be moved in. Tom affirmed that would be the biggest undertaking. He'd done a couple construction jobs for new age homes and they were totally run on solar power. They were demo homes for a new company, not many takers, but the homes did run and run well on solar. They also drew up plans for the addition on the rear of the farm house, then the tools they needed and supplies. Tavin told Tom it looked like it was a go. While he spent the next couple weeks recovering, he and the rest of the guys would gather what was necessary for the build and store it in the barn at the farmhouse.
Julia bundled up the kids and put them out in the snow for a while. They built a snowman and threw snowballs at each other. Anyone who wanted to join did. They chose teams and defended their end of the yard. They hadn't had that much fun in awhile.
Luz stood in the kitchen preparing for the next meal with Fiona, listening to Tom and Tavin as they created their plans and their work list of who was doing what and when and who would be better suited for what job. "While you make the plans for them, you have to remember that they're children." She pointed out. "They may act grown and do the work of grown men, but they are kids."
"Luz, there's no one else to do all this."
"I know, but when you look out here you'll see I'm right."
Tom and Tavin looked out the window with her. She was right. They were kids. An army of them. "They're having fun."
"Like nothing ever happened."
"Why don't you go out and join them?" Luz suggested to Tavin. "Or did you forget you're a kid too?"
"I'm not a kid anymore."
During dinner, Julia Tavin and Tom gave the entire group the rundown on the farmhouse and its property. The three laid out the entire plan from beginning to end. Tavin gave the orders for the next two weeks. The daily runs that would take them to and from construction sites and the needs they had for the farm. The three who came up with this plan were shocked when no one complained. In fact, they all asked what they'd be doing.
After dinner, when the kids all went to bed, the house settled down and the lights turned out. Julia and Jay stayed in the living room together, laying on the sofa watching the fire as it flickered and burned.
"Wanna talk about this morning, Jay?"
"I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I was thinking all kinds of crazy things. That you were gone, that you turned, that you weren't with him and you were alone. That you were with him."
"I'm sorry you worried."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No. I wish there was something I could do or say to make you trust me. There's always going to be doubt when it comes to me and him. I'm so sorry for that."
"Neither one of us can go back and fix the mistakes we made, it's ok." He said. "So all that farm house planning, you two sat and came up with those plans last night?"
"Yes. And other things. We talked about the future. And Jess. And how we define our roles here."
"Leadership roles. Really? That's the most boring fucking talk ever. "
"We talked about the past. And Callie. And we talked about why he quit using drugs."
"Why's that?"
"Ask him. Not for me to say."
"Is it about the guy he killed?"
"Yeah, and what led up to it."
"We're all killers, Julia. Every last one of us."
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